I've been thinking about my daughter a lot recently and whether she will have a twisted and dark version of sex and sexuality programmed into her by school. Of late she has been singing this rhyme.
criss cross, apple sauce
Her teacher sings it as a hint to girls to cross their legs so their panties may not show because that's not proper. (She is five.) The subtext of this seemingly innocuous rhyme is that female sexuality must be managed.
So I explained to her. "It does not bother me so much if someone accidentally sees your underwear. You tell your teacher that girls have to learn to be girls first. And girls climb jungle gyms, they don't huddle." All this while explaining to her how another girl's obsession with underwear is not healthy either.
It's hard to get it straight, but more or less you do what you can so your kids don't equate propriety with chastity, use sex as rebellion against feeling oppressed at home, or to overcome inadequacies.
There is really no easy way to teach kids to regard sex and sexuality as positive, variant, affirming and not something you deviate into, use as a weapon, or manipulate to get things; but also not something you avoid or consider shameful.
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Those of us who watched, "Aangan Tehra", a PTV drama serial, written by Anwar Maqsood, will remember the flamboyantly gay character, Akbar, played by the late Salim Nasir.
Akbar is a classical dancer with a razor sharp tongue, and is a servant in the house of a couple, Jehanara and Mehboob. Jehanara and Mehboob bicker a lot. They are strained for cash and owe Akbar about Rs. 30,000 in back pay.
Jehnara and Akbar argue as well, and often we see Akbar and Mehboob finding solace in each other's company and sharing their caustic view of the world, despite their oddly naive inhabitance of it. Mehboob is restrained in his criticism of his wife, and prefers underhanded remarks in line with his Urdu speaking, middle class, respectable upbringing; but Akbar takes jabs at her quite explicitly.
Jehanara admits in one episode that the worst day of her life was when her father accepted Mehboob's proposal. Up until that time she was active in sports, vocal, and enjoyed life which clearly got interrupted. To which the response from a reporter staying with them is, well, it sounds like Phoolan Devi's childhood.
Akbar is a dancer and his flourishes indicate he may be gay. It is never confirmed, but there are hints in different episodes. In one he is star struck when film actor, Lehri, comes to reside in the house. He struts before and flirts with him. Lehri is fully aware of Akbar's presence and reciprocates, and asks Mehboob how he came upon Akbar.
In one scene, Lehri and Akbar are alone and the sexual tension between the two is apparent - actually more from Queenish Lehri's side; he seems intrigued by Akbar who sashays past him. Akbar, though, is more interested in using Lehri to get a role in a film.
When Lehri tells him that films about raqasahs (dancers) simply can not be made, Akbar gets mad and wishes he were born in the times of Mohenjodaro, so there would be a murthi of a dancing boy in every home in the city.
In another episode, Akbar is seen crying dramatically over a letter announcing that his fiance just had a baby. Jehanara is horrified, and Akbar explains that she married someone and had his baby.
A failing male-female relationship, a 40 something gay classical dancer, same sex emotional triangles, a couple that is critical of marriage yet resigned to it. A slap in the face of heteronormativity and subversive for PTV. Add to the mix -- looming poverty, even in a class that seems outwardly middle-class. (When Mehboob asks Akbar whats for lunch he erupts and says "mutton gosht, chicken karahi, and biryani," and later clarifies that its the same as every day, daal and aaloo ki sabzi.)
criss cross, apple sauce
Her teacher sings it as a hint to girls to cross their legs so their panties may not show because that's not proper. (She is five.) The subtext of this seemingly innocuous rhyme is that female sexuality must be managed.
So I explained to her. "It does not bother me so much if someone accidentally sees your underwear. You tell your teacher that girls have to learn to be girls first. And girls climb jungle gyms, they don't huddle." All this while explaining to her how another girl's obsession with underwear is not healthy either.
It's hard to get it straight, but more or less you do what you can so your kids don't equate propriety with chastity, use sex as rebellion against feeling oppressed at home, or to overcome inadequacies.
There is really no easy way to teach kids to regard sex and sexuality as positive, variant, affirming and not something you deviate into, use as a weapon, or manipulate to get things; but also not something you avoid or consider shameful.
====
Those of us who watched, "Aangan Tehra", a PTV drama serial, written by Anwar Maqsood, will remember the flamboyantly gay character, Akbar, played by the late Salim Nasir.
Akbar is a classical dancer with a razor sharp tongue, and is a servant in the house of a couple, Jehanara and Mehboob. Jehanara and Mehboob bicker a lot. They are strained for cash and owe Akbar about Rs. 30,000 in back pay.
Jehnara and Akbar argue as well, and often we see Akbar and Mehboob finding solace in each other's company and sharing their caustic view of the world, despite their oddly naive inhabitance of it. Mehboob is restrained in his criticism of his wife, and prefers underhanded remarks in line with his Urdu speaking, middle class, respectable upbringing; but Akbar takes jabs at her quite explicitly.
Jehanara admits in one episode that the worst day of her life was when her father accepted Mehboob's proposal. Up until that time she was active in sports, vocal, and enjoyed life which clearly got interrupted. To which the response from a reporter staying with them is, well, it sounds like Phoolan Devi's childhood.
Akbar is a dancer and his flourishes indicate he may be gay. It is never confirmed, but there are hints in different episodes. In one he is star struck when film actor, Lehri, comes to reside in the house. He struts before and flirts with him. Lehri is fully aware of Akbar's presence and reciprocates, and asks Mehboob how he came upon Akbar.
In one scene, Lehri and Akbar are alone and the sexual tension between the two is apparent - actually more from Queenish Lehri's side; he seems intrigued by Akbar who sashays past him. Akbar, though, is more interested in using Lehri to get a role in a film.
When Lehri tells him that films about raqasahs (dancers) simply can not be made, Akbar gets mad and wishes he were born in the times of Mohenjodaro, so there would be a murthi of a dancing boy in every home in the city.
In another episode, Akbar is seen crying dramatically over a letter announcing that his fiance just had a baby. Jehanara is horrified, and Akbar explains that she married someone and had his baby.
A failing male-female relationship, a 40 something gay classical dancer, same sex emotional triangles, a couple that is critical of marriage yet resigned to it. A slap in the face of heteronormativity and subversive for PTV. Add to the mix -- looming poverty, even in a class that seems outwardly middle-class. (When Mehboob asks Akbar whats for lunch he erupts and says "mutton gosht, chicken karahi, and biryani," and later clarifies that its the same as every day, daal and aaloo ki sabzi.)
In some sense we all traverse crooked lines.* We all live in crooked aangans. And I am pretty sure, as parents, we will get it all wrong as we resist capitalist patriarchy and homophobia, and our children will have their own set of parental misgivings.
But we can get some things straight -- Akbar was not. And apple sauce has nothing to do with being a girl. And there's nothing wrong with a two year touching his penis; something surely is when you slap his hand and say "buri baath."
*Title borrowed from Ismat Chugtai's "tehri lakir" about the a girl coming of age and her emotional and real world. Meant to sound like: Teri Larki (your girl).
But we can get some things straight -- Akbar was not. And apple sauce has nothing to do with being a girl. And there's nothing wrong with a two year touching his penis; something surely is when you slap his hand and say "buri baath."
*Title borrowed from Ismat Chugtai's "tehri lakir" about the a girl coming of age and her emotional and real world. Meant to sound like: Teri Larki (your girl).
5 comments:
Hard to let bachas be bachas here. so many screwed up influences from even schools.
Thats good writings though.
I accidentally came here but found a good write up and I would say you need not worry too much...kids will learn step by step and sometimes information is good from awareness point of view and as long as we are raising our kids with values they will utilize these information from awareness perspective.
Good to know about the PTV serials as I hardly to get to see those...
thanks
Cheers
"But we can get some things straight -- Akbar was not. And apple sauce has nothing to do with being a girl. And there's nothing wrong with a two year touching his penis; something surely is when you slap his hand and say "buri baath.""
Couldn't have said it better. The problem with society these days, is we insist on keeping our own minds in the gutter, placing taboos on anything with so much as a hint of sexual undertone (or an imagined one), and then submerge our kids in the same BS. We lose sight of what we want to teach them is "right" by constantly informing them of what is "wrong"
I've never understood why people chant "Shame, shame" at a naked toddler. It's such a perverted mindset.
I think there is room for healthy parenting, keep talking to your kids about it and let them be kids. It's the way to go.
Nice write up.
Though I got lost in all the gay-ish charactors and my knowledge of Pakistani dramas borders on the non-existent. Not enough sex, violence I guess....or maybe my Urdu is just that bad.
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